The Diary of Horace Wimp

By Dave Marsh
Contributor
December 07, 2010

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A drama about forgetting the past and past failures

Director's Notes:
No one in their right mind carries around a journal of every past failure they've had but many of us store them up in our heads. We need to realize that any sin is 'remembered no more' and is 'as far as the East is from the West" in God's eyes when we give our lives to him. As far as failures that have nothing to do with sin? Well, we just need to forget them, move on, and enjoy our walk with the Father. (BTW, yes, this is the name of an old ELO song - in case you were wondering and you know you were :)

Cast:
Horace: Carries a diary of past failures
Wendy: A woman Horace met on the internet

Props:
A bench (or chairs put together)
A BIG book
A cassette tape of park noises (birds, kids, etc) - if available

Setting:
A park bench
(LIGHTS UP CENTER STAGE on Horace. He is sitting on a park bench anxiously awaiting the arrival of Wendy, a woman he met through an internet dating service. Wendy comes walking upÖ)

Wendy: Horace? Horace Wimp?

Horace: Wendy. Hi. Nice to meet you. Please sit down.

Wendy: Thanks. (looks around) well, this was a good idea meeting here at McIntire Park.

Horace: Yeah, I thought it would be good easier to find each other this way.

Wendy: I think your right. (pauses) So, itís kind of wild isnít it. Iíve never done anything like this before. I mean, if you asked me a year ago if Iíd try an internet dating service, I would have told you that youíre crazy.

Horace: Yeah, I know what you mean but itís kind of cool. You know, being the 90ís and all.

Wendy: Yeah, it is. Youíre right. Well, what do you want to do?

Horace: You know, I was just about to ask you the same question. See how much we have in common already?

Wendy: Yeah. Well, how about since itís so nice out we get our bikes and go for a bike ride?

Horace: A bike ride? Oh, we canít do that. (Horace opens up his diary.) You see...right here. Entry number 9642. "June 6, 1982. Jimmy Strand and I went biking over near Fairfax road. I was turning onto Old Dominion when I looked up and saw Jennifer Barber walking on the other side of the street. I wasnít paying attention and hit a parked car and flew over my handlebars. What an idiot I am. I am so humiliated. Iíll never ride a bike again." (looks up) And I havenít.

Wendy: What.. whatís that? (points to diary)

Horace: Oh this? This is my diary of all my past failures. Iíve documented each and every one of them for the past 33 years.

Wendy: Why would you want to do that?

Horace: Why? Well, so Iíll never screw up again. I mean, in this book are all the things Iíve done that were either stupid, embarrassing, complete failures, past sins, you name it, itís here.

Wendy: Oh. (pauses) okay. Well, letís do something else then.

Horace: Great! What do you want to do?

Wendy: Hmmm, how about we just go out for a bite to eat. Letís say, Applebys?

Horace: Applebys? Oh, we canít go there. (opens journal and goes to right page) Ah, here it is. Entry number 15642. "March 15, 1991. I went to Applebyís with Lisa Rosza at approximately 7:10pm. We sat down and she ordered a margarita so I decided to order one myself cause I didnít want to appear to be a wimpÖ (looks up and resumes)Ö so, well, 5 margaritas later I got real stupid, Lisa left in a huff, and I got "politely" scorted from the restaurantÖ or at least thatís what Iíve been told happened. Iíll never go into Applebys again." And I havenít.

Wendy: Wow. Um, HoraceÖ do you think that keeping a diary of past failures is such a good idea?

Horace: What do you mean?

Wendy: Well, It seems like itís pretty hard to enjoy life and grow as a person if you donít learn from your mistakes, forget about them, and move on.

Horace: Oh, Iíve learned from them all right. Donít you remember what Winston Churchill once said? "Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it."

Wendy: I donít think thatís what he meant.

Horace: Yeah, well, anyway. Look, how about we just sit here and talk for a while. I mean, we donít have to go anywhere right?

Wendy: I guess. Sure Horace. Thatís fine. What do you want to talk about?

Horace: I donít know. Anything you want.

Wendy: Okay, well, how about whatís going on at the White House these days? What do you think about this whole thing with the President?

Horace: Politics? Oh, we canít talk about that. (opens journal and goes to right page) Right here. Entry number 16902. "December 9, 1993. I went over to visit my Mom and Dad and we started talking about the consequences Reaganomics had on the welfare of this country. Well, my Dad whoís a staunch republican started laying into my about even questioning our counties leaders and before you know it, we were yelling at each other and I really flew off the handle. I sure have a temper when it comes to things like this. Iíll never talk about politics again." And I havenít.

Wendy: (disbelief) So every failure youíve ever had is written in there?

Horace: Yep. And not just by date either. Iíve even categorized them, cross referenced them and provided footnotes when appropriate. Iíve also entered them into an Excel spreadsheet so I can access them from a new laptop I just bought. Problem is that the harddriveís not big enough to store the entries. But Iíll fix that soon enough. Iíve also put up my webpage with links to all the failures and started posting them on the newsgroups.

Wendy: (stands up) Okay, Horace, this is just too weird. I donít think this is going to work.

Horace: So, what, youíre rejecting me?

Wendy: Sorry Horace but I can see where this is goingÖ nowhere.

Horace: Oh no, another failure. Iíll have to record that immediately. Could you just hang around a little longer so you can proof read if for me?

Wendy: Horace. Get lost. (She walks out)

Horace: Get lost? Oh, no canít do that. (Starts to chase her). You see, itís right here. Entry number 17522. July 6, 1995. I was hiking through the Shenandoah valley and I thought I read the sign right and that small trail did look like it was posted and Ö(trails off)Ö

(LIGHTS OUT)

(c) 1998 Dave Marsh












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