Pastor Ray asked me to write a light-hearted drama for this weekend centering around marriage. As I thought about what I would write, I asked myself how the world tells you if you have a healthy marriage or not. I quickly scanned the Internet until I found what I was looking for - a marriage cyber-test. I pulled some questions from it and added my own for the drama. Amazing... if we would only go to God's word, we could find out exactly what He has to say about a healthy marriage...
Note: When Jason speaks to the audience, Trish should freeze in place until he looks back to her and begins talking again. Also, Jason should get more and more agitated and nervous as the test goes on (pulling at his collar, wiping sweat from his forehead, etc.)
Jason: A husband
Trish: A wife
Couch and chair (or 3 chairs),Remote control, Papers for the test (use your script!), Pen,
Power Point slideshow (Go to Dave's site to get it! dave_marsh.com)
(LIGHTS UP CENTER STAGE where Jason is sitting on a couch, remote in hand. Trish enters....)
Jason: Hey. (delivers all these lines looking at the TV until I say he turns to her...)
Trish: Watcha doin’?
Jason: Watching Extreme Dirt biking on ESPN...
Trish: Ah. (pause) Nothing on, eh?
Trish: Well, I have an idea of what we can do.
Jason: Does it involve spending huge amounts of money?
Jason: Does it involve pulling large quantities of weeds or opening 3 year old cans of paint?
Trish: Not at all. In fact, you can sit right where you are.
Jason: (turns to Trish) Well, then… sure. Bring it on. What is it?
Trish: It’s a marriage test!
Jason: A what?
Trish: A marriage test. I found it in the paper. It’ll be fun! (Trish freezes)
Jason: (To audience) Fun? Yeah, right. You know what’s going to happen don’t you? She’s gonna read off a bunch of questions like "Do you like my new hair cut?" or "When is the last time I bought her flowers?" And I’m going to answer them and no matter what I say, I’m going to be wrong. Why didn’t she just ask me to get a root canal? Oh, I’ve seen fun and this ain’t it. (pause and talks to self) Be a good husband be a good husband be a good husband....(pause) Okay, here we go. (turns back to her)
Jason: Okay, honey, shoot.
Trish: Really? (surprised). Great! Okay, I’m going to read these questions and then you get a certain amount of points if you’ve done them. Sound good?
Jason: (trying to be nice) Sure, Honey. Whatever you want.
Trish: (suspicious) Really? Are you sure you’re MY husband?
Jason: Last time I checked.
Trish: Okay, great. Here’s a piece of paper to keep your score. Here we go.
Trish: (talking through each one and giving Jason a couple of seconds to write his answers...)
(Bring up the PowerPoint slides at this point...)
1. Do you have a picture of your wife in your wallet? ...add 5 pts.
2. Is it the first picture in your wallet? ...add 10 pts.
3. Do you call your wife from work at least once a day? ...add 7 pts.
4. Once a week? …subtract 20 points.
5. Does your wife know your Internet password? ...add 5 pts.
6. Does it contain any part of her name? ...add 15 pts.
7. Do you leave the lid on the toilet seat up? …subtract 15 pts.
8. Do you own a minivan? ...add 10 pts.
9. Does your wife drive a sportier car than you? ...add 15 pts.
10. Do you drive the minivan while your wife drives the sports car? ...add 25 pts.
Jason: Okay, well, this was fun. (trying to get out of this). Are we done?
Trish: Of course not. We’re only half way through. (Trish freezes)
Jason: Half way? Half way? Don’t you see? It’s only going to get worse. I mean, who comes up with these things anyway? Some sicko that has never been married is my guess! You know… if this was a softball game, they would have called for the slaughter rule… just so you know. (turns back to Trish)
Jason: Oh, ok. Well, let’s rock!
Trish: Are you sure you don’t want a break?
Jason: Me? Nah. Bring it on!
11. Does your bedspread have flowers on it? ...add 10 pts.
12. When you shop for something ‘nice’ for your wife, do you buy it from Victoria’s Secret? … add 20 points.
13. Do you buy it from Sears? … subtract 10 points.
14. Sears Hardware? … subtract 25 points.
15. Does your wife keep her paycheck while you share yours? ...add 10 pts.
16. Do you do laundry as much or more than your wife does? ...add 10 pts.
17. Do you go grocery shopping with your wife? add 10 pts.
18. Do you know how to cook a casserole without using a cookbook? ...add 5 pts.
19. Do you still own back issues of Sport’s Illustrated’s Swimsuit? ...subtract 20 pts.
20. Have you ever forgotten your wedding anniversary? ...subtract 10 points for every year
Jason: (thinking, writing, scratching out answers furiously)
Trish: Okay, we’re done. How’d you score? Jason? Jason?
Jason: Hold on, hold on. Let’s see how does this work? I wish I had a calculator. I’m really bad with numbers… okay, and do I carry the one? Let’s see…
Trish: Jason? It’s not that hard. What did you get?
Jason: What? Like a ballpark number?
Trish: No, just the number. Is it positive or negative?
Jason: Is this a trick question? CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?!?
Trish: (grabs the paper from him, looks at it, looks at him, and looks back at the paper)
Trish: (sarcastic) Lovely. (freezes)
Jason: (looks at audience) Yep. That was about right. (looks at watch) Time to hook up cable in the doghouse.
(LIGHTS OUT FAST)
(c) 2000 Dave Marsh