Breaking the Enemy of Silence

Who Are the Abusers? You would be surprised. They come from all racial, religious, educational, and economic backgrounds. Some dress in business attire and live in upper class neighborhoods, while others are blue collar workers. Many are poor, unemployed and uneducated and many are respected members of the Church. Most researchers agree that the dynamics for abusive behavior is far too complex but there appears to be one common thread: many abusive men were raised in abusive homes. They were either beaten as children or they observed their father beating their mother. Most abusive men hide behind the macho mask. They appear to be outgoing and charming, but inside they are extremely insecure. Regardless of who they are, or whatever reasons they use for battering their spouse, the abusive man needs to know that with every blow, with every harsh abusive word, or with every effort to control, he is systematically stripping another person of her rights as a child of God.

Why do Women Stay in Abusive Relationships? Women don't stay in abusive relationships because they like being abused nor does it mean that they are weak or helpless women. Most women in abusive relations are strong capable women who have stayed in the relationship so long they have been weakened by the domestic abuse. Surprisingly enough it is often the strongest women who stay in these relationships because they are determined not to give up -- they are convinced that they can change or fix the relationship.

What Effect Does Domestic Violence Have on the Children? Studies show that 1/3 of the children who are raised in abusive homes have some type of behavioral and/or emotional problems. These children experience problems such as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, and many other symptoms. They have difficulty in school, academically and socially, and they are usually addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Children that grow up in an abusive environment are attention seekers. They do whatever is necessary to gain the limelight, e.g., violent behavior, lashing out, etc. It is a fact that boys who witness their father's abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adult. Worse yet, girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults.

How Does the Victim Break Free? She begins by facing the facts and by facing her fears. Denial is a coping mechanism for most abused women but denial is also the very thing that hinders her from breaking the cycle of violence in her life. Facing the facts, although it is a good thing, will stir up emotional feelings in the woman ' especially fear. In her book, Invisible Wounds ' A Self Help Guide for Women in Destructive Relationships, Kay Douglas suggests that unacknowledged fears play on our minds and sap our confidence until we have no energy left to deal with the problems at hand. 'The way out of fear is through it,' she says. The next step is for the victim to recognize the need for a change in her life. Yes, change can be difficult and it can be frightening, but for women involved in abusive relationships, change is absolutely necessary for her personal well-being.

Is there Hope for An Abusive Marriage? Yes, but healing from such deep wounds will usually require extensive therapy. Some men will require help from a professional counselor trained in dealing with domestic violence and abusive behavior. The important thing to remember is that change does not come overnight. The abuser has a long road ahead of him that will require some hard times, a lot of work, and a great deal of courage. However, if he preserves and leans upon the Lord to change him, he will gain a new outlook on life and he will learn how to exercise self-control in relationships.

Much of the information included in this article was taken from the Family Life web site (a division of Campus Crusade for Christ). There is a very good Bible Study, 'A Way of Hope,' that can be downloaded at http://www.familylife.com/articles/abuse.asp. Make a healthy choice, start your journey toward healing by breaking the silence. Seek outside help and guidance; don't try to make the change on your own. If you are in a violent situation, or if you know of someone that is, there is help for you. Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at www.ndvh.org, or call 1-800-799-SAFE. The hotline is manned, 24/7 (365 days of the year, around the clock) with certified victim advocates who provide critical life-saving information and referrals from community service to financial support.