The Dilemma
| Drama
by Dave Marsh
May 11, 2009
|
A drama about Tithing
Director's Notes:
The original everyman in church, trying to figure out what in the world tithing is all
about. Pretty funny stuff if you ask me...
I like to do pre-recorded voice over (V.O.) in some dramas. It's really effective
because it allows us to hear what someone is really thinking. So, just record the
actor speaking into a mic, add some reverb to it so it sounds like it's hollow and
you're good to go...
Cast:
Dave: A normal guy at church
Mark: An offering collector
Props:
Chairs
Pre-recorded V.O. tape
Offering basket
Handful of change
Twilight Zone theme (if possible. BTW, you can find this on the internet...)
Setting:
Church
(LIGHTS UP CENTER STAGE where Dave is standing after just singing the last
song. Note that all audio is strictly pre-recorded V.O.)
Dave: Ah, here it comes. Here it comes. This is where Ray wants people to shake
hands and say hi to one another. Doesn't he know that it's early Sunday morning? I'm
barely alive let alone able to speak...Okay, here goes... (starts shaking imaginary
hands).
Dave: (sits down) Okay, that wasn't so bad. I survived. Okay, let's look in the
program. What's coming up? Let's see.... ‘tithes and offerings.' (Suddenly has a panic
attack) Oh no, the dreaded ‘tithes and offerings!' What am I going to do? Alright now,
don't panic. Let's just think this thing through and we'll get through it. Okay? Okay!
Dave: (takes deep breath) Now assess the problem. Think. Think. Think. Okay, the
basket comes round and what? I feel guilty. Do I tithe? Do I not tithe? Tithe....hmmm.
I mean, what does that word really mean? It's kinda hard to pronounce...Tyythheee.
Sounds like Tie with a lisp. "Hey, tithe that man up!" "After one quarter, the game is
tithe!" Kinda hard to do something that sounds so weird.
Dave: And what's the tithe anyway? Something like 10% I think. 10%? 10% of what?
10% of my salary obviously but is that gross or net? Well it can't be gross cause gross
also means disgusting and God wouldn't want me to tithe something disgusting. I mean,
he made the word gross for a reason and even if the word has two meanings, I don't
think it should be used in tithing. Nope, that's wouldn't be right.
Dave: Maybe he wants 10% of my net earnings. Yeah, he must want me to pay the
government first. I mean, if I don't pay the government first, I could go to jail! Ack! I
don't want to go to jail! And I mean, weren't the disciples fishermen or something?
They used nets right? And doesn't God want me to be a fisher of men? So my tithe
should be net so I can catch stuff. Yeah. Okay, I think that's settled.
Dave: Now, what is technically my net? I mean, God doesn't want me to starve right?
Not much good to Him if I'm starving to death! (pulls out calculator). Okay, take my
net and subtract groceries... okay, now I've got to pay the mortgage. I mean, I can't
sleep outside and freeze to death!... How will I do God's will if I'm dead? Subtract
mortgage. Now, I've got to drive a car so I can get to church so I can tithe so let's
subtract that payment... And what about my cable bill? I mean, how am I going to
watch those preacher guys if they shut off my cable? Speaking of, what time is that
Virginia game on? Is it 1 or 4? I can never get these things right. I don't know, the
Hoos are struggling lately. Though they did pretty okay last game... (wakes up) Okay,
anyway. Let's make a few more subtractions here of things that I know God would
want me to make...
Dave: (keeps punching buttons) Alright, here we go. $64.89. Hmmm. That's a weird
number. Not very round. I mean, it should be round right? Like the Earth that God
made. So, let's round it off to what...? What's the rule of rounding? Do you round up
all the time? I think you round up only in school. This is a church. In church, you round
down, like you are kneeling or something. Okay, round down. That brings it to $60.
Dave: $60? Hmmm, it's got a 6 in it. God doesn't like 6's. Could you imaging if I had
to tithe $6.66? No way! Gotta get rid of that 6. Gotta cut that 6 off! So let's cut it in
half! Let's see, that would be $30. Thirty sounds okay I guess. Except it rhymes with
dirty. I mean, it would be like giving God dirty money! Like I'm some sort of drug
dealer or something! No way, I'm not going to do that to God. So, what's a good
number? Hmmm. Let's just make it $20.
Dave: (Beginning to panic as he sees Mark walking in with the basket) Oh no, here he
comes! Is $20 right? I mean, oh, I don't know! Didn't I give like $40 last week? Didn't
I reach my quota? Wait, I'm due for a refund or something right? (pulls out calculator)
okay, hmmm, yes and then multiply that and divide by..yes...and...and...
Dave: (plate comes by and Dave (now in a frenzy) reaches into his pocket and dumps
some change in there.) Arghh!!! (He then passes it back and hangs his head panting.
Mark looks into the basket, rolls his eyes and walks off.)
Dave: (puff, puff) Okay, okay, it's over. I did it. Okay, let's look... what's next?
Drama. "The Dilemma." (Twilight Zone theme comes up and Dave freezes!)
(LIGHTS OUT FAST)
END
(c) 1999 Dave Marsh
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