Cast:
Dave: A college student taking a test
Teacher: This is either live or taped. The voice must sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.

Props:
Table/desk
Paper (script)
pencil

Setting:
A college classroom.
(LIGHTS UP CENTER STAGE - Dave walks in, books in hand, looking around,
unsure if this is where he's supposed to be)

Dave: Hmmm. I hope this is the right place. Let's see 55 Hartwood Building. 3rd floor. (looks around) Yep, I guess this is it. Funny that I've never heard of this type of test before.

Dave: (Sits down). I mean, I've heard of the S.A.T. and the A.C.T but not the G.O.D. Doesn't matter I guess, according to this if I'm going to get in, looks like I've got to take it.

Dave: (begins looking over the test). Okay, let's see. "The following test is a pre-requisite for admission ... blah blah blah... okay, um "Below are 5 multiple choice questions..." Multiple choice – Yahoo! (looks around) Oh, sorry. (starts reading again) "Please mark the appropriate circle with a number 2 pencil, not a number 1 pencil, nor a number 3 pencil. A number 4 pencil is right out. After marking the appropriate circle, proceed to the next question. If you get stuck on one question, simply move on and return to it later. If you do not finish the test, you fail. You have 3 minutes."

Dave: (looks up) I fail? 3 minutes? What kind of a test is this anyway? Well, I guess it's only 5 questions so I should have plenty of time. (pulls out a pencil and starts the test.)

Dave: Question #1: A train is leaving Pittsburg at 9:30am and will arrive in Chicago at 3:37pm and it will be traveling at a speed of 73 mph. You are asleep because of a migraine. On the train are your 3 kids (under 5) engaged in loud tom-foolery and various shenanigans. Do you:
a.Discipline them appropriately, in private, not in public.
b.Remind your wife these are her kids and not yours.
c.Lock them in the baggage car with Grandpa and his monkey.
d.Get off the train in Detroit and see a Tiger's game.

Dave: What kind of question is this? Hmmm. Oh well, this is easy. D. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? I want to pass this test. Better choose A.

Dave: Question #2: On October 12, 1571, the Turkish fleet was defeated by Spanish & Italians in Battle of Lepanto. Ironically, October 12th is also your 10th anniversary. Today is the 9th. You have forgotten to buy her a present and it is 9:00pm and the stores have closed. Do you:
a.Get creative and create a collage of pictures reflecting on your life together from your wedding day to the present
b.Find that old "Get well" card you have in your desk drawer, write "Happy Anniversary" on it and include $10 to buy her something nice.
c.Pretend to have amnesia because you know it works because you saw it in a soap opera once or twice.
d.Don't worry about it. The couch isn't such a bad place to sleep.

Dave: What the? These are the weirdest questions... Alright, well, it's multiple choice so I choose A.

Dave: Question #3: Acme Tool and Dye, is a self-owned manufacturing plant in rural Kentucky. The building is roughly 56,500 square feet and employs 1432 full time non-union workers. You are a shift manager with 340 people underneath you. Today is a slow day in the plant. Do you:
a.Work harder and find other things to do because others follow your lead.
b.Sort your push pins by color.
c.Surf the internet for all the fan sites of the band the Goo Goo Dolls.
d.All of the above.

Dave: Okay, well, this is getting easier by the minute. A again.

Dave: Question #4: Ridgemont High is a high school in Southwest Maine. It has 130 freshman, 160 sophomores, 183 juniors and 154 seniors. 64% of all students are involved in the school's sports programs. You are not. You play Tuba in the school band. However, you are invited to a party hosted by the starting quarterback who is infamous for allowing under-aged drinking. Do you:
a.Decide it's not worth it and have a blast hanging out with close friends who build you up and whom you build into.
b.Tell Mom and Dad that you will be sleeping over at Timmy's, singing campfire songs and watching reruns of some old guy named Lawrence Welk.
c.Accidentally go for a drive and accidentally find yourself in his neighborhood where you accidentally push his doorbell.
d.Find 25 new ways of using a lampshade.

Dave: Yeah, right, like I'm going to choose anything but A. Okay, last question...

Dave: Question #5: Jesus asks you to give up everything and follow Him. Do you:
a.Give them up and follow Him.
b.Don't give them up and reject Him.

Dave: Hey, wait a minute. Where are the other choices? Something must be wrong with my test? (Stands) Excuse me, um, I think there's something wrong with my test.

Teacher: (from off stage, sounding like the teacher on "Peanuts" specials) Wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.

Dave: Yeah, there's only 2 choices on question 5.

Teacher: Wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.

Dave: Oh, okay. I see. (sits down). I'll just chose the easy answer again, I guess. (He stares at the test, confused and unsure. He continues to look at it again and again for some agonizing moments.)

Teacher: Wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah

Dave: Wow. Times up already. But, I didn't finish the test.... I mean I need more time... Yeah, well, I guess I failed. (puts the test on the table and looks up as he gathers his stuff.) Well, I got stuff to do anyway so thanks... thanks anyway. (walks off)

(LIGHTS OUT SLOWLY)

END

(c) 1998 Dave Marsh