Cast:

Horace: Carries a diary of past failures

Wendy: A woman Horace met on the internet

Props:

A bench (or chairs put together)

A BIG book

A cassette tape of park noises (birds, kids, etc) - if available

Setting:

A park bench

(LIGHTS UP CENTER STAGE on Horace. He is sitting on a park bench anxiously
awaiting the arrival of Wendy, a woman he met through an internet dating service.
Wendy comes walking up...)

Wendy: Horace? Horace Wimp?

Horace: Wendy. Hi. Nice to meet you. Please sit down.

Wendy: Thanks. (looks around) well, this was a good idea meeting here at McIntire
Park.

Horace: Yeah, I thought it would be good easier to find each other this way.

Wendy: I think your right. (pauses) So, it's kind of wild isn't it. I've never done
anything like this before. I mean, if you asked me a year ago if I'd try an internet
dating service, I would have told you that you're crazy.

Horace: Yeah, I know what you mean but it's kind of cool. You know, being the 90's
and all.

Wendy: Yeah, it is. You're right. Well, what do you want to do?

Horace: You know, I was just about to ask you the same question. See how much we
have in common already?

Wendy: Yeah. Well, how about since it's so nice out we get our bikes and go for a
bike ride?

Horace: A bike ride? Oh, we can't do that. (Horace opens up his diary.) You see..
.right here. Entry number 9642. "June 6, 1982. Jimmy Strand and I went biking over
near Fairfax road. I was turning onto Old Dominion when I looked up and saw Jennifer
Barber walking on the other side of the street. I wasn't paying attention and hit a
parked car and flew over my handlebars. What an idiot I am. I am so humiliated. I'll
never ride a bike again." (looks up) And I haven't.

Wendy: What.. what's that? (points to diary)

Horace: Oh this? This is my diary of all my past failures. I've documented each and
every one of them for the past 33 years.

Wendy: Why would you want to do that?

Horace: Why? Well, so I'll never screw up again. I mean, in this book are all the
things I've done that were either stupid, embarrassing, complete failures, past sins,
you name it, it's here.

Wendy: Oh. (pauses) okay. Well, let's do something else then.

Horace: Great! What do you want to do?

Wendy: Hmmm, how about we just go out for a bite to eat. Let's say, Applebys?

Horace: Applebys? Oh, we can't go there. (opens journal and goes to right page) Ah,
here it is. Entry number 15642. "March 15, 1991. I went to Appleby's with Lisa Rosza
at approximately 7:10pm. We sat down and she ordered a margarita so I decided to
order one myself cause I didn't want to appear to be a wimp... (looks up and
resumes)... so, well, 5 margaritas later I got real stupid, Lisa left in a huff, and I got
"politely" escorted from the restaurant... or at least that's what I've been told
happened. I'll never go into Applebys again." And I haven't.

Wendy: Wow. Um, Horace... do you think that keeping a diary of past failures is such
a good idea?

Horace: What do you mean?

Wendy: Well, It seems like it's pretty hard to enjoy life and grow as a person if you
don't learn from your mistakes, forget about them, and move on.

Horace: Oh, I've learned from them all right. Don't you remember what Winston
Churchill once said? "Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it."

Wendy: I don't think that's what he meant.

Horace: Yeah, well, anyway. Look, how about we just sit here and talk for a while. I
mean, we don't have to go anywhere right?

Wendy: I guess. Sure Horace. That's fine. What do you want to talk about?

Horace: I don't know. Anything you want.

Wendy: Okay, well, how about what's going on at the White House these days? What
do you think about this whole thing with the President?

Horace: Politics? Oh, we can't talk about that. (opens journal and goes to right page)
Right here. Entry number 16902. "December 9, 1993. I went over to visit my Mom and
Dad and we started talking about the consequences Reaganomics had on the welfare
of this country. Well, my Dad who's a staunch republican started laying into my about
even questioning our counties leaders and before you know it, we were yelling at each
other and I really flew off the handle. I sure have a temper when it comes to things like
this. I'll never talk about politics again." And I haven't.

Wendy: (disbelief) So every failure you've ever had is written in there?

Horace: Yep. And not just by date either. I've even categorized them, cross
referenced them and provided footnotes when appropriate. I've also entered them into
an Excel spreadsheet so I can access them from a new laptop I just bought. Problem is
that the harddrive's not big enough to store the entries. But I'll fix that soon enough.
I've also put up my webpage with links to all the failures and started posting them on
the newsgroups.

Wendy: (stands up) Okay, Horace, this is just too weird. I don't think this is going to
work.

Horace: So, what, you're rejecting me?

Wendy: Sorry Horace but I can see where this is going... nowhere.

Horace: Oh no, another failure. I'll have to record that immediately. Could you just
hang around a little longer so you can proof read if for me?

Wendy: Horace. Get lost. (She walks out)

Horace: Get lost? Oh, no can't do that. (Starts to chase her). You see, it's right here.
Entry number 17522. July 6, 1995. I was hiking through the Shenandoah valley and I
thought I read the sign right and that small trail did look like it was posted and ...(trails
off)...

(LIGHTS OUT)

(c) 1998 Dave Marsh